Humorous Quotes

"College is a fountain of knowledge
where students come to drink."

"I've learned that...
you can keep puking long
after you think you're finished."

"Adults are obsolete children and the hell with them."
~Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss)~

"People are not born bastards.
They have to work at it."
~Rod McKuen~

"My friends know that to me happiness is when
I am merely miserable and not suicidal."
~Bob Fosse~

"Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time."

"It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others."

"A pessimist is someone who has had
to listen to too many optimists."
~Anonymous~

"You can only be young once,
but you can be immature forever."

"A synonym is a word you use when you
can't spell the word you first thought of."

"If confusion is the first step
to knowledge, I must be a genius."

"You know you're in trouble when you start planning
procrastination, and then wait 'til later to do it."

"You have to learn to laugh at yourself, or you'll
be missing out on lots of free entertainment."

"We all agree that pessimism is
a mark of superior intellect."
~J. K. Galbraith~

"There are easier things in life than finding a good man,
nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance."

"I had a dream that I still loved you...
I think I woke up screaming."

"Life is a God-damned, stinking, treacherous game
and nine hundred and ninety-nine men
out of a thousand are bastards."
~Theodore Dreiser~

"Many people hear voices
when no one is there.
Some of them are called mad
and are shut up in rooms
where they stare at the walls all day.
Others are called writers
and they do pretty much the same thing."
~Margaret Chittenden~

"On Gilligan's Island,
if the professor could build
a radio out of coconut,
why couldn't he fix
a hole in the boat?"

"My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really."
~"Austin Powers"~

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card
with a picture of the entire planet Earth
taken from space. On the back it said,
'Wish you were here.'"
~Steven Wright~

"Everyone seems normal until you get to know them."

"I was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of
Positive Thinking', and then I thought:
What the hell good would that do?"
~Ronnie Shakes~

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I asked,
'Is life a multiple choice test or is it a true of false test?'
Then a voice comes to me out of the dark, and says,
'We hate to tell you this, but life is a thousand word essay.'"
~Charlie Brown~

"Searching for a boy in high school is like
searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie."
~"Clueless"~

"Not only is life a bitch,
but it is always having puppies."
~Adrienne Gusoff~

"Most plain girls are virtuous because of the
scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise."
~Maya Angelou~

"If you want to increase your insanity,
avoid the asylum."
~Amy Cameron Farmer~

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can
put off until the day after tomorrow."
~Mark Twain~

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult task,
since it consists principally in dealing with men."
~Joseph Conrad~

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of them pick themselves up and
hurry off as if nothing had happened."
~Winston Churchill~

"Here's to you and here's to me
And never should we disagree.
But, alas, if that cannot be,
To hell with you and here's to me!"

"When angry, count four; when very angry, swear."
~Mark Twain~

"Why is it that men can be bastards
and women must wear pearls and smile?"
~Lynn Hecht Schafren~

"Falling in love is just that-falling.
Sometimes you merely trip and stub your toe.
Sometimes you fall to your hands and knees.
But sometimes you smack your head
against the pavement and die."

"We have reason to believe that man first walked
upright to free his hands for masturbation."
~Lily Tomlin~

"I've learned that...
you shouldn't compare yourself to others
they are more screwed up than you think."

"It's not unusual to learn more in the 5 minutes between classes
than one learns during the 55 minutes of official class time."
~Howard Lambert~

"Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask 'Why me?'
Then a voice answers 'Nothing personal, your name
just happened to come up.'"
~Charlie Brown~

"You can always tell when someone's lying to you,
because they're male..."
~Caroline Rhea~

"It is not true that life is one damn thing after another.
It is the same damn thing over and over."
~Edna St. Vincent Millay~

"A man always blames the woman who fools him.
In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark."

"Snow White...Cinderella...
All about wanting a guy, being saved by the guy.
Today it's Little Mermaid...Aladdin...Pocahontas...
All about getting a guy.
So basically we're screwed up because of Disney."

"I was on a ski lift with another person...
no one I knew...and he didn't say
a word until we were half way up
the mountain...then he said,
'I haven't been skiing in ten years.'
I said 'How come?'
He said 'I was in jail.'
I didn't say anything.
He said, 'You wanna know why?'
I said, 'Not really.'
He said, 'I'll tell you anyway...
I was jailed for pushing a complete
stranger off a ferris wheel.'"
~Steven Wright~

"Anyone who uses the phrase
'easy as taking candy from baby'
has never tried taking candy from a baby."

"Ending a sentence with a preposition
is something up with which I will not put."
~Sir Winston Churchill~

"If you're going to do something wrong,
at least enjoy it."
~Leo Rosten~

"It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others."

"If men could get pregnant,
abortion would be a sacrament."
~Florynce Kennedy~

"Give a man a free hand
and he'll try to put it all over you."
~Mae West~

"You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you."

"I used to like to play with my Ken and Barbie dolls.
Ken was my favorite. Then one Christmas I got them
a camper and all they wanted to do was hang out
in it by themselves. So I wasn't too upset when
they took that wrong turn and went over the cliff."
~"My Girl"~

"Never argue with an idiot.
They will drag you down to their level,
and beat you with experience."

"Writing is the only socially acceptable form of schizophrenia."
~E. L. Doctorow~

"Einstein said that talking to yourself
is a sign of intelligence.
Answering yourself, however,
is a sign of insanity.
I have no problem with you
talking to yourself,
just as long as it doesn't
turn into an argument."

"I'm not here, I've gone out to look for myself.
If I come back before I return, please tell me to wait."
~Andrea Pusillo~

"The aim of psychoanalysis is to relieve
people of their neurotic unhappiness so
that they can be normally unhappy."
~Sigmund Freud~

"One bright day in the middle of the night,
two dead boys went out to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
and with their swords they shot each other.
A deaf policeman, hearing the noise,
came to the rescue of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
ask the blind man; he saw it too."

"Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa."
~Dorothy Parker~

"I'm blonde......what's YOUR excuse?"
~Becky Platt~

"Women are more balanced than men.
Where the most brilliant minds have
so far have mostly belonged to men,
no women has ever been as stupid
as a man can be."
~John Smith~

"The nice part about being a pessimist
is that you are constantly being either
proven right or pleasantly surprised."
~George F. Will~

"Reality is the leading cause of stress
for those in touch with it."
~Jane Wagner~

"I do not consider it an insult,
but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic.
I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure-that is all that agnosticism means."
~Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial, 1925~

"The trouble with Communism is the Communists,
just as the trouble with Christianity is the Christians."
~H.L. Mencken~

"All are lunatics,
but he who can analyze his delusion
is called a philosopher."
~Ambrose Bierce~

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it,
than to be sane and have one's doubts."
~G. B. Burgin~

"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
~George Burns~

"Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."
~Ambrose Bierce~

"A man is as good as he has to be,
and a woman is as bad as she dares."
~Elbert Hubbard~

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
~Harry S. Truman~

"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."
~Aldous Huxley~

"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."
~Jerry Seinfeld~

"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."
~Jasper Carrott~

"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers."
~T. S. Eliot~

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
~Marilyn Pittman~

"I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up."
~Tom Lehrer~

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
~Rita Mae Brown~

"Am I crazy? Or am I so sane that you blew your mind?"
~Cosmo Kramer from "Seinfeld"~

"Friends are like television.
Some are like PBS and always asking for money.
Others are like the news, with sad tales to tell everyday,
Some are like that one station with the foreing language;
You don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch anyway. And then there are the ones like the commercials,
Always changes, ever-so-annoying and only seem to be there when you are bored.
But every once and a while you meet someone who's like a really good movie of the week
Or that one tv show you hardly ever get to see anymore because you're so busy.
My point is hold on to the friends you care about
And since we don't have a remote control to mute someone or just change the channel,
Pick your friends carefully."

"Life... is like a box of chocolates.
A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctoral gift
that no one ever asks for.
Unreturnable because all you get back is
another box of chocolates.
So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable
whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down
when there's nothing else to eat
while you're watching the game.
Sure, once is a while you get
a peanut butter cup or an English toffee
but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting.
In the end, you are left with nothing
but broken bits filled with hardened jelly
and teeth-shattering nuts, which,
if you are desperate enough to eat,
leaves nothing but an empty box of
useless brown paper."
~Cigarette-Smoking Man from "The X-Files"~