As I continue to "grow up", I have more and more of what I can only call somewhat "out-of-body" experiences. Tonight I took to calling it my almost split personalites of "me" and "the inner shrink". "I" am the crazy, real person who is very emotional while "the shrink" is the calm, collected one who can be objective. The thing that's really weird is when both "me's" are there at once. Have you ever had that? You can think back to the way you acted and still feel the emotions that go with it, but at the same time you can give someone advice about it objectively? It's very strange.

Well, since I no longer see my friends very often, I'm left with messenger and the phone. It almost makes it seem unreal in a way sometimes...like I'm not really communicating with real people. Which, I suppose, is kinda true, since the majority of my contact is with people I no longer see. I'm getting to the point where it doesn't bother me so much though. Sometimes I wonder if I'm 'detaching' myself too much though, but I know if I didn't, I'd go crazy from boredom and being alone. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

It's nice to be around all these guys and everything, but it's kinda like "look, don't touch". Of course, that might not be so bad though, 'cause if any of them were accessible, would it make a difference? How can I move on when I haven't let go of the past quite all the way yet? I don't really know, but I do need to sometime. I can't wait around for something that's not gonna happen.

Funny how love is the best and the worst thing in the world. Everyone needs it, but no one needs to suffer through it. They say "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", but that's not even the worst of it. What really sucks is falling in love with someone you can't have or won't have you. That is the worst feeling in the world.

Why am I so lonely? It's not even just for company in general; friends I can see every day. No, I'm lonely and want a relationship. I get so bored sometimes, and I have to immediately search for something, anything to do to keep my brain from thinking. 'Cause once I start thinking, I start to feel lonely again and get depressed. Then I feel like crying, and realize I don't want to have to explain myself to the whole damn floor and have them pity me. No, basically I just have to find some way to never break down, because there is no privacy here. I can't ever be really alone, so I have to shut of my emotions. Which, let me tell you, is about as easy as trying to limit myself to breathing only once every 30 seconds: something that's just not gonna work for very damn long. I get through 18 years with only normal 'loneliness', but then I get to college, and I can't take it anymore. Maybe I've just been rejected too much, and now I don't even have my friends around. That saying 'You can't go home again' is very true. Yes, I can, but what I can't do is go back to the past. Things are different now. So basically, I'm not homesick, I'm missing the past. The moments when I was actually somewhat happy, though at the time, they didn't seem so great as they seem now.

Don't you ever wish you could turn off your emotions for awhile? I mean, completely disconnect any and all physical stuff from your emotions so things wouldn't be so complicated. Of course, too much of that would have bad consequences, I'm sure, but maybe just once in awhile in certain situations...Sometimes I think I'm gonna go nuts, because my emotions pretty much control my life. I can't do anything without thinking of them first, or I know they'll come back to haunt me. Maybe if I didn't have such a strong conscience, it wouldn't be such a big deal to me. Resisting temptation is very difficult at times, even when you know you'd be screwed afterwards. Sometimes I just want to do things in the here and now and forget about what'll happen, but I know it'll still come up, so I don't.